Outskirts Press, INC.

Betrayal, love, lust, fear and triumph over the demons of her past...

A story of betrayal, love, lust and triumph over demons of the past. Kelandra's childhood was spent in a tough neighborhood in the beautiful Berkshire hills, in Pittsfield, a city filled with beauty and awe, surrounded by nature in all of its glory, but where violence and sexual abuse grew, spreading as if it were an epidemic. This is the story of her search for peace from nightmares that plagued her childhood, a childhood that was marred by sexual abuse, where she witnessed more than her share of domestic violence in a neighborhood that was ripe with a sense of hopelessness. It follows Kelandra through her childhood and into adulthood where she finds the rationalization of how torture and trauma could exist simultaneously with fun and adventure for so many years. It is about Kelandra's journey of self-discovery, about how she was able to meet someone and fall deeply in love, how that love began to change her and start the process of growth within her. Even though Kelandra leaves this, would be knight in shining armor, and the nightmares continued to attack her sleep for over a decade, she was able to finally break free from her past. She was healing and discovering that it is okay to love and to be loved back. She will find love again many years later in a twist of fate that is almost too good to be true. She will head full force into her happily ever after without the fear of what will go wrong, conquering the demons she had always battled. She will find the hope that life will finally give her room to breathe and faith in something more. She will finally know contentment and tranquility. If only she reminds herself to look forward and let go of the pain.

For the first time in my life I felt totally free, totally in control of my own destiny. Yet somehow simultaneously I felt totally out of control. But this is my life; this was who I had always been – a complete and utter contradiction to myself. I have never felt better. Walter held me so tight and as we lie there fitting perfectly together, I realize I am so happy with my life. In a few short months everything will fall into place. I will still struggle with the challenges that surviving a brain injury has brought, but I will do that in a new home, with my best friend and love of my life standing beside me. His whispers of confessed love warm me so deep inside that I am ready to grab his hand and face the uncertainty ahead. I have learned that being in love doesn’t have to be scary and it doesn’t have to hurt. I am ready. I am finally ready. However, when I met him I was a mess. My life was a menagerie of chaos and craziness. Here he was well-dressed, intelligent and handsome and I, a confused victim of domestic violence struggling with all of the demons my past abuse. It was so embarrassing; I was filled with feelings of shame and self-loathing. Funny that my first thought was he is a great guy, which of my siblings I can hook up with him. Often it felt as if I couldn’t breathe when he was around. My pulse would quicken, and my legs would feel weakened. It was as if a switch had been thrown in my brain and with sweaty palms and an uneasy stomach I would try to figure out what the logical reaction would be to this experience I was having. It would be a very long time before I discovered that I was in love. Even my ability to speak was affected, normally an outspoken and boisterous women I found myself unable to deflect with quick wit, brash humor and sexual innuendo the way that I had previously been able to. We talked for hours and spent so many hours at a time, several times a week playing Scrabble while getting to know each other. Everyone else saw it before we did, and I was, as always, the last to know. As he kissed me for the first time I remember wondering what the hell was happening to me and then before I could even finish that thought, in an instant I was lost. I was floating on a sea of desire; while at the same time feeling as if I was drowning in a storm of fear and confusion. Even as I fought to regain the control that I so desperately needed, I could feel his velvety, smooth, voice rich with raw emotion, tearing holes in the exterior of my carefully built wall. His constant profession of his feelings was the confusing beginning of a tidal wave of emotion that would rise up and engulf me, causing me to gulp for air. ‘I love you,’ three of the scariest words ever to pass his lips. Simply more than I had known could exist for me. More than I had ever known I wanted. More than I dared to ever dream of. And yet there he was, extending his hand, offering it and so much more. I wish I could have known the safety of his love when it was first given. It was just too much for me to receive at that time. Always present back then, lingering in the shadows, was the overwhelming urge to push him away. I had an innate desire to sabotage that love that was so dangerous, so unpredictable and yet so...