Outskirts Press, INC.

Take Care, Caretaker
A Mother’s Musings:
Autism, Back Pain, Migraines, and a Chipped Tooth

On January 30, I suffered an impinged disc and immediately developed antalgic gait during a morning workout. After hobbling in to see our long-time family chiropractor on February 1, 2023, I learned a minimum of 3 weeks of daily traction would be required. He fitted a back brace on me February 2. I used homeopathic medicines throughout. And, without a morning workout, I spent more time reading The Bible. A period of deep heart cleansing, mind refocusing, and life altering realizations occurred. Nothing could or would ever be the same. I scribbled revelations, repentances, fears, and thanksgivings on pieces of paper throughout the house. These are usually formatted as notes to God. Those written prayers, meditations, and realizations became this journal.

01/30/2023

Lord, my back is killing me. I ran a 10 minute mile, did some circuit work, came out of a squat – and absolutely intense, shooting, horrific pain. Same spot. That spot. That injury at 14. Low back, right side.

It’s so much worse than the initial injury at 14 years old - and every recurrence thereafter. I do not know how I made it out of that gym. Since somehow making it home, emotional uproar accompanied. Guess it’s true: suppressed emotions store in the hips.

Why is my left hip pulled so far back? I can barely touch the floor with my left foot. My gait is completely abnormal…

After an episode of verbal vomit earlier today in which I told Todd every fear and regret regarding Robert, he responded, “I had no idea you carried that kind of pain.” I knew I carried the pain. I didn’t think it ever releasable. This hours-long back injury has knocked the years-long unutterable grief loose. I can’t go on like this.

Todd is home from work. Robert is not happy that I’m laid up in bed. Everything feels tense and anxious around here. I’m scared. I’m starting to give way when standing upright. I can barely move.

Lord, we lived in tension, misery, and anxiety day in and day out, especially from 2015-2018. It felt just like this. How did we survive? How did we keep going? Is this our new normal? We have lived such happier, easier lives since 2018. Please let this be a blip on the radar. I am so sorry for being unappreciative of our improved lives. We started focusing on You, You led us to homeopathy, we all experienced significant improvements, and I casually nodded in recognition at such precious gifts. I was so very wrong.

Please take this back pain, Lord. I’m sorry for taking our years of progress for granted. I’m sorry for not truly realizing and appreciating how transformed this family is after homeopathy. I’m sorry for taking renewed health for granted.

Thank you for a reminder of how difficult things were - and for so long. Thank you for attitude adjustments.