When I first started as a Health Care Provider in the role of Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner on a hospital inpatient facility—I had experience as a psychiatric RN, but transitioning to a provider role was stressful. Documentation was different (and I was a bit slow—after all I am in my 50’s) so I rationalize my stress with “at the end of the day, the goal was the same—everyone is breathing, and acute agitation is medicated’. This project was written in 2014 during an assignment for psychotherapy. It is a combination of my personal life experience as a fifteen-year illicit drug user and all the poor decisions that come with it AND the faith in God to guide me forward in recovery. Becoming a student was the new addiction, I learned to use my addicting behaviors to grow and develop as an example to my children to lead them in “the way they should go”. During my academic years, as a student, every semester I wrestled with anxiety in the beginning as I adjusted to the change and got organized. I love the learning process as it is much like a ‘double-edged-sword; I learn and advance academically and I utilize the lessons within my work environment to improve the healthcare environment and influence others. On the personal side, I am married to a wonderful man who holds down the house while I press-on and practice as a NPP. He is not afraid of the kitchen or the laundry room for that matter. He is experienced at grocery shopping too. I remind him, as he tells me he is proud of me, that I cannot do what I do without you doing what you do. I am grateful that my two children are in their twenties and both live in their own apartments. My son is a father of two beautiful children and my daughter is a LPN working in long-term care. Demonstration is a powerful tool. I have my own personal story of recovery and strive to effect change in the people I see that struggle with similar life’s adversities.
2016: Eighteen years ago (why now must we bring this up) our children would have been without either parent because I would be dead and you in jail. I refused to be the “woman who was stupid enough to go back for more”. I walked away from a home, house, children, and you- with no self-respect, with a broken heart shattered in pieces. I longed to spend time with you while you were out “making a living” and riding with your buddies. I tried to keep our home nice, while working full time, taking the kids to day care on my way to work. I then had a brief relationship with one of your drug dealing pals because I was desperate for affection and attention. I had abused illicit drugs for fifteen years by that time and been with you for ten of those years. I had two abortions during our time in Nevada, the first because I was afraid I would lose the job I had just gotten. The second one in 1997 during the summer because we were so deep into the crystal meth it was really bad.
In 1998 the kids and I were on a plane back to New York. My parents let us stay with them. I was in and out of Oswego Mental Health Hospital (OMHH) for two years with Depression. You had no problem telling them “Your mother is sick” when I went to OMHH. I had no job, no public assistance, no driver’s license, and was hopeless. You came back a couple of months later, with the help of your family you were able to buy a trailer in Liverpool where you had a place for the kids to live with you.
I spent a week at the Justice Center because I refused to pay you $25 a month in child support. I felt you had everything I had ever hoped for. After learning I could have spent 6 months in jail I agreed to begin paying. During this time in jail I had lost my brief job at a store in the mall. The child support started accumulated. Over the years, I have learned to cope with lose.
When I finally started working I paid the arrears. When I was a lunch lady, I paid child support. When I was a home health aide, I paid child support. When I was a student nurse, I paid child support. When I was a registered nurse, I paid child support. I was a student, working, and paid support.
I petitioned the courts many times in hope of having the kids come to live with me and I was never successful. I wanted have them over for holiday dinners and gatherings but more times than not, something always came up and they were going to be with you. I stopped hoping for them to come because my hopes were dashed.
In 1999 I started attending Church. In the mist of the mentioned above this faith relationship with God is what keeps me pressing on. I purposed to be the best example I could for the kids in the mist of not being able to be the Mom who was always around. I lead by example. I started over as a student learning to write an essay and do math. I then went on to nursing and obtained my associates degree. I worked at Upstate Hospital and after nine months was hurt on the job and taken out of work with a neck injury. I paid child support when I was on workers comp. I went to school full time while out of work and obtained my bachelor’s degree in nursing. I petitioned the State to go back to work after three and a half years of being out of work. I realized I was good at comforting those who experience crisis and needed someone to care for them without judgement.
Thank you for this opportunity to share my story. The kids are adults now and I am sure they can handle this. They have the best Mother they could have given the past life experience. I am the example of Recovery.
