Outskirts Press, INC.

The Courage to Journey Inward

For most of her life, Lori-ellen Pisani grappled with an enemy that was not only invisible, but unnamed. A series of disappointments, conflicts, and terrifying depressive episodes led her to think of suicide as the only way to escape her intolerable suffering. At one point, she found herself with her husband’s .38 service revolver in her hands, considering the best way to put it in her mouth and pull the trigger. Her husband, oblivious to her pain, was watching his favorite comedy on TV in the living room. Lori-ellen—her internal horror unheard, unseen, and unwitnessed—envisioned splattering her brains on the bedroom wall to get out of the hell she was in. But her story doesn’t end there. Lori-ellen got help, and a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, which she then had to learn to understand and live with in secret. Her career would be in jeopardy if anyone found out about her illness. The world is not tolerant of people with mental illness. This powerful, honest memoir is the story of the path she took to find the lost little girl inside, who had been screaming for help with nobody to rescue her. It’s also the story of what it really means to manage an enemy that lives with and inside her every day, and throws her into the depths of hellish nightmares and despair. With candor and strength, Lori-ellen relates her story of learning how to recognize triggering events, how to endure the arduous process of finding the right combinations of medications, and how to seek and accept help rather than succumb to the pain of suicidal depression.