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Fact: Food color is determined by enzymes. Fact: The stomach can digest only one color enzyme a day. Fact: The mixing of these enzymes is what causes weight gain. Our stomachs can deal with only one enzyme at a time. One day. One enzyme. One color.

Here’s what happens when you try and digest two enzymes in one day:

The naturally colored Enzymes (one produced by nature, not in a laboratory) get confused, addled, and if you are a crossword nut, then you could say they are “at sea.” You could also say: “bolloxed” if it were a real word. These enzymes are like Moses in the desert, like Ronald Reagan in his last two years of his second term, or like my Uncle Mac who didn’t forget how to pee, but forgot what a toilet looked like.

If there are two enzymes in the stomach at the same time, the digestive juices don’t know which color (enzyme) to attack, so they give up and go back to their digestive nests, or “enzidiums” and the food in your stomach is left undigested. Undigested food has nowhere to go. After sitting there for a while, they turn into fat cells through the process of “Endomytosizing.”

There is an equation known by most enzymologists: FAT = UNDIGESTED FOOD, AND CONVERSELY, UNDIGESTED FOOD = FAT.