Self Help

Your Complete Book of Bad Advice for Every Situation in Life

by Quentin Smeltzer


Book Details

The Greatest Book Ever Written!*

In this hilarious satire Quentin Smeltzer lampoons the self help genre, offering conflicting and just plain terrible advice guaranteed to screw up just about anyone's life.

Self Help opens doors and pushes the reader through them, possibly down a long flight of stairs. This book contains the sum total of the author’s knowledge and wisdom and is complemented with numerous, made-up charts and graphs because—let’s face it—the author’s knowledge and wisdom is unlikely to fill much of a book. In these pages the reader will learn fantastic new secrets to success that sound like they might actually work!

This book is guaranteed to change the reader's life, one way or the other... In its pages one will learn how to be the perfect wife, the perfect dad, the perfect employee, the perfect politician and the perfect idiot.


Book Excerpt

From Chapter 11, How to Succeed in Business:

Clearly there is more to business success than these simple platitudes. There are my simple platitudes. Master these and you’ll be wearing wingtips in the corner office in no time!

1. Accept every assignment your company offers you and always get your work done completely and on time. If you have to work fourteen-hour days, seven days in a row, so be it!

2. Make your family your first priority. Make sure you are home for dinner every night by six and never miss a little league game, a school play, a birthday party or an anniversary.

3. Reread rules one and two until your head explodes.


8. True heroes are not defined by never failing but by how they respond to failure. Accordingly, you should plan to fail often and in spectacular fashion, if only to demonstrate your disturbing ability to bounce back from one humiliating defeat after another.


About the Author

Quentin Smeltzer

Quentin Smeltzer (obviously not his real name) grew up in New York, Connecticut and Utah, accounting for a personality disorder bordering on schizophrenia. His philosophy degree provided the opportunity to work in fast-food restaurants, drive delivery vans and make copies.

In 1984 Smeltzer moved to Manhattan’s notorious Chelsea Hotel where he met many celebrities and artists, none of whom impressed him very much. In 1994 he returned to Connecticut where he resides with his wife and son and a dog he does not particularly care for. In 2005 Smeltzer earned his MBA from the University of Phoenix, which made no appreciable difference to his life whatsoever.

In addition to writing, Mr. Smeltzer performs stand-up comedy to decidedly mixed reviews. This is his second book—his fourth, if you count the really awful ones locked in his drawer. This latest book, chock full of poor choices and bad advice, is the one book the author believes he is eminently qualified to write.

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